


You Broke Me

by lovelessfanfiction (lovelessdiaries)



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, Army!Ian, Eating Disorders, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-23
Updated: 2014-09-30
Packaged: 2018-02-18 13:19:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2349818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelessdiaries/pseuds/lovelessfanfiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After 4 years of Army Ian comes back only to find out that Mickey hasn't  said a word in years and is in a mental institution. Will he start speaking again? And will he forgive Ian for leaving him broken?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I have this Idea of a mental sick Mickey for a while now and thought to write a fanfiction about it.  
> This is my first fanfiction and english is not my first language so I am sorry for any mistakes:)

Ian went off the bus and was standing in the Chicago south side for the first time in 4 years. He shuffled the duffle bag higher on his shoulder and took a deep breath. It still smelled like a mix of old piss, vomit and blood, exactly like the day he had left. He shook his head, he swore to himself on the day he had left that he would never look back, never think about what happened, and absolutely never think about or miss a certain blue eyed, white skinned and black haired boy again. It didn't work out too well. After 4 years in the Army, exactly 1460 nights in which he had dreamed about Him every night, he never forgot what, or better who, crushed his heart under a shoe like something meaningless. Like a spider or a little insect. It was almost 1095 days ago when he started to regret his decision to join the army because he started to feel like a part of him was missing, and that part was living thousands of miles away in a dirty old house with a wife and a fucking baby in Canaryville, south side Chicago. 

So yeah here he was, getting a pack of smokes out of his trousers and lightning them, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He let the smoke numb him from inside for a few seconds before he exhaled again. Even with his eyes closed, he saw a fainted smile of a certain south side thug that he begun to hate and then back to love all over again. This time, he swore to himself, this time everything would be different. It just had to be. So he opened his eyes and started walking down the familiar streets to the destination he never stopped thinking about. His Home. Mickey Milkovich.

 

“Ian? Is that you?”, a voice was calling him from behind. As he turned around he saw that it was Mandy. She was not the Milkovich he was looking for but he was unbelievably happy to see her after such a long separation. She ran up to Ian but the closer she got the better he could see her angry face instead of a happy face like he thought he would see. But before he could say anything a fist landed on his face. She was stronger than he remembered and her hit knocked him off his feet.

“Ow Mandy, what was that for?”, he was looking up at her. Were those tears in her eyes?  
“That's for Mickey, you asshole!” For Mickey? What happened? Suddenly Ian's heart sped up. Please don't let anything have happened to him!  
As she was just about to turn around and walk away, Ian gripped her arm and stood up.  
“For Mickey? Why..Wha...What happened?”   
Mandy took a deep breath and turned to Ian.  
“What happened? You happened you selfish bastard! You just left him and know you're coming back like nothing happened! How dare you come back after what you did to him!”   
He saw it in her eyes, in those beautiful blue eyes she shared with her brother, he saw that he must have done something horrible to Mickey. So something happened and it was Ian's fault? Was it because he left? Ian was so confused. Did Mickey actually care that he left?  
“Mandy please...I had to leave...you don't understand..”  
“You're right”, she cut him off, tears forming in her eyes.  
“I don't understand because no one ever told me the fucking story of the two of you. Mickey hasn't said a single word since you've left!” And then she started crying.  
There it was. Ian wanted to say something but he didn't know what. He was too shocked after that confession. A few seconds later though he was able to mutter two words.  
“He...what?”  
“Yeah Ian, are you pleased with yourself ? Did you get what you wanted? You broke him Ian. You fucking broke him and you have no idea how it was because I couldn't tell my best friend about it, since he wouldn't pick up his fucking phone.” She started sobbing and Ian couldn't think of anything else he could do than hugging her, and she let him, staring into nowhere. Apparently it was not only Mickey he hurt with his disappearance, he hurt Mandy too. His best friend. She needed him and he left. And now his Mickey was broken, the boy with the beautiful smile was broken and it was Ian's fault. And then tears were forming in his eyes as well.

After a while he noticed that Mandy stopped crying so he took a step back and let her go.  
“I missed you Mandy.”   
She looked up into his eyes, and nodded.  
“I missed you too douchebag..even though you are still a fucking asshole for leaving like that”  
She hit him with her fist at the shoulder, this time not as hard as her previous hit.   
Suddenly her expression was serious again. “Don't you ever dare to pull that shit again or I will kill you myself.”, and Ian believed her, she was a Milkovich after all.  
“I promise.”   
She started to smile, but the smile didn't reach her eyes. Ian asked himself when the last time was when he had seen her smile a real smile. One that reached her eyes. He couldn't remember,but for her sake he tried to smile back.  
Then it went silent again. After a few moments Ian was serious and started to speak.  
“I want to see him Mandy.” Mandy avoided his eyes, and let out a harsh laugh.  
“Fuck, no”   
“Mandy, please,I..just..please” Maybe it was the desperation in his voice or the look in his eyes but when she met his eyes she just took a deep breath.  
“Ian..a part of me is glad that you are back...Even though my welcome doesn't seem like it, but..you can't see him. I don't know what that will do to Mickeys condition. I have to talk to his doctor first”  
That startled Ian.  
“He is...is he..”  
Mandy just nodded and Ian let go of a silent “oh”.  
A few seconds later Mandy started speaking again.  
“So...where are you heading?” She was pointing to his duffle bag that was lying on the ground. Ian almost forgot about it. Now that he couldn't visit Mickey he had no idea what to do or where to go. To the Gallagher's? He didn't want to face that confrontation just yet. With the things he had just learned, he had no energy for that shit.  
He shrugged his shoulders.  
“I don't know” He honestly had no clue where to go to now.  
Mandy just nodded and went silent for a few seconds.  
“This probably sounds fucked up but you can crash at mine if you want to, live in Mickeys room or something, he hasn't been in there for four years anyway and ...I could use some company. That doesn't mean I am trusting you again or anything.”  
Ian nodded, he hoped that he could get her trust back, but was happy that she made the offer.  
Before he could say anything though, Mandy side stepped him and started to walk away.  
“Ay Mandy wait!”, he grabbed his duffle bag and followed her to the Milkovich house, where everything had begun.

They walked in silence, the silence was awkward but Ian didn't know what to say. He had so many questions. About her, about his family and most of all, about Mickey. He wanted to see him so bad, wanted to see if he was okay. Even if it was just for a few seconds.   
But he couldn't and it felt like an itch under his skin he couldn't scratch. It felt like there was a fire inside of him and he couldn't control it, like a spreading wildfire. And most of all, he felt guilty, so fucking guilty, he should have send those letters he wrote to Mandy and Mickey, he should have done something, anything, to make Mickey feel better. But he didn't, and the thought of that made him gasp for breath.  
Ian saw Mandy side eyeing him, but neither of them said anything.  
Finally they reached the house. The house were everything had begun and where everything had ended. Ian thought that he should feel something at the view of the house but it did nothing to him. It looked empty and cold. When Ian and Mandy stepped inside, Ian imagined Mickey in his room listening to some music, like Mickey always did when Ian hung out with Mandy but there was only silence greeting them.  
“Mandy, what happened to your brothers?” She sighed and sat down on the couch.  
“I don't know, fucked off somewhere, couldn't take the sight of Mickey anymore, hell I barely could.”

Ian let go of his duffle bag and left it in the entrance, he walked over to Mandy, who looked so small and lonely in that second, not at all like the Mandy he learned to love and sat down beside her. He didn't know if she wanted to talk, because she was a Milkovich. Milkovich's didn't talk, they handled their sadness with anger. They always had.   
Ian put a hand on her back, drawing circles with his thumb. He wanted her to know that even if he hadn't been here when all that shit happened, he was here now.   
“He didn't eat you know? At first I didn't realize it, because I never saw him eat anything anyway, so he was always eating outside but..he drank a lot. You have no idea Ian..he was always in his room, passed out or sleeping and almost 3 weeks after you left he just...I found him lying on the floor in the kitchen, with a beer bottle in one hand and...I couldn't wake him up anymore, I tried everything, but he wouldn't wake up and I panicked so I called the ambulance.” Mandy took a deep breath. Ian could tell that she wanted to cry but she didn't.  
“Later, in the hospital the doctors told me that he didn't pass out because of the alcohol, he passed out because he hasn't been eating anything in over 2 weeks. And it crushed me because I didn't know what to do, Svetlana fucked off with some rich guy after that and...when he finally woke up they forced him to eat and tried to talk to him but he didn't answer so the doctor did the only thing he could and put him into some psych ward. And when I tried to bring him to talk to me, I saw his eyes and ... he looked so broken and hopeless, Ian you have no idea, Mickey was always the strongest out of all of us and I didn't know what happened that...crushed him so bad. So I went into his room and found a picture of you, it looked used...like something you always wear around with you, and then I finally connected the dots. You know I heard you at the wedding but I never realized before how much you meant to him, I mean why would he marry a woman if he loves you so much? It's still bothering me that I haven't found an answer to that.” Mandy's story flew out of her mouth quickly. Her eyes looked distant, Ian was sure that she didn't even realize that he was sitting beside her or that they were sitting in the living room at all. She looked like she relived all those things she had just told him about.

Ian took a deep breath, he was sure that he needed to give her the answer she graved for. “Terry.” That broke Mandy out of her thoughts.   
“What?”   
“Terry is the reason why Mickey married Svetlana.”  
Mandy was just about to say something when Ian started to talk again.  
“Mandy so much happened in the last months before I enlisted..you have no idea. But I think you deserve to know what happened. Terry..he found Mickey and me, you know...together.” Ian hesitated for a second. It wasn't really his place to tell her that and he felt guilty to do so but maybe she could understand then why he left.  
“It was horrible, I thought he would kill us but what he did was so much worse.”  
Mandy wiped away some tears that were falling down his cheek. He hadn't realized that he started to cry.  
“After that he pistol whipped the living shit out of Mickey and Mickey passed out..he called someone. Svetlana. Mandy..he was forced to...” He couldn't say it. He just couldn't. But he hoped that Mandy understood what he was trying to say. When he looked up to meet her eyes he saw that she was crying as well. 

“Terry made me watch and kicked me out after. And from then on...Mickey was distant and tried to avoid me. At the wedding I tried to talk him out of marrying her, it was years later that I realized that Mickey just tried to protect himself by doing that. I realized what an asshole I was for leaving him when he needed me the most..I am so sorry, Mandy, so fucking sorry...” God he just wanted to go back and hug Mickey and tell him that everything will be alright. But he couldn't and the guilt was killing him.

Unexpectedly Mandy started to hug him. “I am sorry that I hit you Ian.” She suddenly said.  
“I deserved it.” Mandy shook her head.  
“No you didn't.”Ian started to smile a little.  
“But it felt good though, didn't it?”  
Mandy started laughing at that “Yeah I wanted to do that for a long time.”  
“Let's watch a movie asshole, I'll talk to Mickeys Doctor tomorrow”  
And they did just that, snuggled on that couch until it got dark, like old times. But a part of him was still missing. When Ian wanted to go to Mickeys room he realized that he couldn't sleep there. He just couldn't. So he sneaked into Mandy's room and lied beside her, after a few moments she hugged him and he let her hold him until she fell asleep. Ian was still awake when the sun started to rise.   
He couldn't help but imagine a broken Mickey in a white room alone in bed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the second chapter, I am sorry that you needed to wait

Mickey woke up with light shining on his face. The sunlight that came through the only window in this little room hit him right on his face. It was the light that woke him up, not the heat from the sun burning on his white skin. He couldn't feel the sun. He couldn't feel anything. He was numb. Cold. A shadow of what he used to be. 

Mickey opened his eyes and rubbed the sand out of them. For a second he stilled and looked at his knuckles. He could still read the letters on them and knew what they meant. There was a time when he hated to look at them. They were a remainder of how fucked up he was and how much pain he gave the people he loved. Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

“Mr. Milkovich we are missing you in the dining hall, you can't skip another meal. And remember to actually swallow your pills this time and don't hide them under your tongue.” 

Perfect. Another shitty day in his shitty life. He just wanted it to end, why can't this endless circle just end? What was he living for anyway? The only one he actually gave a shit about, left him 4 years ago without any hesitation. What kind of life is it, when you starting to hate every breath that fills your lungs? The constant feeling of pain and guilt made him numb and he was welcoming it.  
Mickey got up and walked out of the room. He didn't care that he was still in his sleeping gown or that his breath probably smelled like feet. He didn't care that he had grown a beard just like the one he wore in the year when he told Ian that he was nothing but a warm mouth to him. Mickey felt something stabbing his chest. Nope. He didn't allow himself to think about that. He didn't allow himself to think about red hair, freckles and amazing sex in a fucking freezer. And he didn't allow himself to think about green eyes, desperately searching for something in his eyes and the following hurt when they couldn't find what they wanted. Mickey knew that this just started to be one of those days. One of those days were he just wanted his head to shut up. Hopefully forever.

Mickey walked to the line were you have to wait for your medication. In front of him was Jeremy. Jeremy was a 20 year old boy with red hair and was here because he tried to kill himself. The first time Mickey saw him, he actually brought Jeremy to the hospital. He just couldn't see red hair at that time. Now you could say they were something like friends, if you could call people, where one of them tells the other one his whole life story and the other one isn't talking at all, just sitting together for lunch, friends. Sometimes Jeremy asks Mickey things, but he never answers. He hasn't spoken in 4 years, what made Jeremy think that Mickey would change that now?

When Jeremy saw that Mickey was behind him he gave him a nod. Mickey just glared at him. He glares at anyone but after some time people weren't scared of his glares anymore. Just like Jeremy who started to smile one of those dumb grins a certain other red head always had. 

“You know, it's weird that you know so much about me and I don't even know what your voice sounds like.” Mickey lifted an eyebrow.

“Yeah okay, you're right, people are speaking way too much, I am agreeing with you. But sooner or later you have to speak again, don't you want to go home again? I am looking forward to it. I am missing my bed and the porn I have hidden under my mattress, when we are getting out of here I have to show you page 22. This girl man, biggest boobs you have ever seen. Don't you miss the sex? I kinda miss it.” Since Jeremy stopped to talk to Mickey he hadn't realized that the queue had moved forward. Mickey stepped around him to get into the line again. He couldn't listen to Jeremy any longer. He didn't want to think about any kind of sex, if it was sex with Ian or the “sex” he had with Svetlana. 

Jeremy didn't say anything else, maybe he understood that he should better stop talking if he didn't want Mickeys knuckles in his face again.

Finally Mickey got to the end of the line to get his meds.  
“Good morning Mickey, have you slept well” Mickey grabbed his meds and swallowed them without any water, all while glancing at the nurse. His morning was everything but good.

“Still not talking ...”she mumbled and wrote something down as he went to the dining hall to get his food. Mickey wasn't hungry. He can't remember the last time he was. Maybe when he ate those Pizza bagels so many years ago...

While Mickey was eating someone approached him. It was Dylan, one of the nurses who was supposed to look after the patients. “Your sister called, she is coming to visit you this afternoon so you don't have to go to group therapy.” 

Thank God Mickey hated that shit. Mickey just nodded to show that he understood and kept on eating. The food was tasteless, he would rather not eat at all than eat this shit but he had to, so that he could leave this nuthouse and jump off a building or something. At least then Mandy wouldn't have to pay for his hospital bills any longer. He was nothing more than a pain in the neck for her. She stayed in Chicago for him, even though she graduated and could have gone to some college and get a better life. Mickey sighed. He was fucked up for life and was dragging everyone down with him. He just wanted this all to end. Why couldn't Mandy leave him be, when he was starving in his room? He didn't deserve her kindness. He didn't deserve the room he was sleeping in. And he was sure as hell not worth the tasteless food in here. 

Mickey stilled, closed his eyes and pretended to be somewhere else. Somewhere better. Somewhere were he could be happy again. Somewhere where a boy with red hair and cheeky grin was smiling at him like he was worth something.

But when he opened his eyes he only saw the tasteless food on his plastic plate and had that numb feeling that consumed him like a freezing cold black hole from inside.  
Suddenly Mickey needed to hold back tears. God he just wanted all of this to end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me, it will get better , you´ll see :)


End file.
